Beauty in the Ashes of Autism

My eyes seem closed as I only see filthy ashes of autism

The meltdowns, the violent outbursts, the coldness all around me is what I feel

Turning this heart into a raging river of many “hates” as these filthy ashes of autism consume me still

Why do others talk about the unique light and beauty in the ashes of autism?

For this light seems far too dim to every be real

The darkness feels my every waking moment and has followed me to my dreams

But what does this one dream mean?

I see the most majestic light with a child standing there

And flying around him are majestic colors of red, blue, and yellow that are the most beautiful ashes I have ever seen

I see acceptance, self control, contentment, courage, and so much enthusiasm that I never saw before

As he played with the beautiful butterflies and I marveled in things I never noticed, nor cared too for my relationship with my own son was beyond restore

Then I began to see images of all the sins that I do from day to day

This blindness and speck in my own eye was removed to make each sin clearer as I watched it play

Then I saw images of how my son normally treats me

I was amazed that I never took time to stop and see

It was me, not him, that turned those ashes into filth making them dark and dirty

As I held the gray and black ashes in my hands

I fell to my knees and asked for forgiveness because I want these ashes to flee

Suddenly, they flew out of my palms and I looked down to see the most radiant colors that made me marvel

I was awakened by my son who whispered in my ear, “Mom, I have a surprise for you.”

I looked and saw him holding a pop tart as he said, “And I even worked the toaster right today because I wanted to make this pop tart special for you.”

When I stepped out of bed, I looked into the palm of my hands and saw filthy gray palms that I wanted to go away

So, I rushed into the bathroom to wash the gray ashes of filth from these hands

I looked up to see the most radiant colors around my face that glowed

Then my son peeked his head in the door and asked, “Mom, did you meet Jesus last night ’cause I see Him glowing through you?”

Then before we walked out of the bathroom together, my son pulled my hands to his face and announced, “These are the cleanest hands I have ever seen.”

His words penetrated my heart and the river of rage instantly dried up in me

Replaced by the longing to know this child more and marvel at the beauty in the ashes of autism that I now can see…


Purchase your copy of Marvel in your Autistic Eyes, Character lessons from my Son and allow the beauty in the ashes of autism to fill your heart too!

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